What's Your Secret Obsession?

I can have you all the time, but I'm not going to give you my soul.

I’ve been with some people you may think are worth it until they die. You may have lived with them too long or you were like me before you met one of these guys, but now you’re tired of giving up something you weren’t even sure you wanted in the first place. What more could you ask for?

You came into my life so much, so soon after we were both born. We never had a date until he asked me out for dinner and then another night just went on and on. It was wonderful when I first kissed him, all kinds and stages of passion; I loved getting ready for our dates, just waiting and anticipating what we might experience. Now here I am, sitting at the table in front of this guy I am obsessed with but I can’t bring myself to be comfortable enough to be intimate while there remains such a significant gap between us. He isn’t even at the top of my list, maybe next week I will see if he is and become obsessed with him again!

It’s okay, I did not want to be in a committed relationship with anybody. I do love someone and I enjoy being with them because that makes me feel like everyone is happy for me. But even with him, I don’t know how to tell he wants me to keep things in between us. I don’t know how to say that we’re meant to be together; I haven’t even told him I love him.

I love him so I give myself as little pleasure as possible. The same way my mother taught me to treat her whenever she was ill, I give myself as little pleasure as possible with him. That’s why the sex I give has no real flavor. No longer do I have any desire to push inside that hole and taste other souls. Not anymore. This is so weird and sad and I don’t say anything! I’m trying to ignore all this nonsense and pretend things are just fine when they don’t have to be.

I can’t make him want me anymore. Maybe that’s so pathetic and it’s not his fault I’m unhappy with these kids. Even though I'm only 15 or 16, there is still something about my body that tells me I'm still sexually active, and I’m still having feelings for this boy. Maybe it's just because he's older than me. My dad loves younger girls and younger boys very much so he always says “Boys like older women. Girls like boys who aren't my age. Go for each other!” so many times, but it's always the opposite. If I've got the feeling that something is wrong with me it is because I'm old enough to be interested.

I would like to find someone else. Someone who doesn’t need to be reminded of who I am and who I have to be to get what I need. Someone who will stand for me no matter what. Someone I love with my whole heart, and someone who won't hurt or tease me in return. Someone who has my faith and never wants me to lose it. Someone who knows my needs understands me and loves me for who I am as well as I like to be understood.

I’ve looked around me and found nothing I want. There is a lot more to this world than I can imagine. I want to find someone like that, but I don’t know what that person looks like right now. My dad told me not to stay home while looking for anyone because he thought that was the best choice for me. So, I decided that I’ll go outside to try to help myself find someone to love me for more than my appearance. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the truth is it's all in the eyes of me. My father would probably argue against me right now, saying that I shouldn’t look for someone pretty, beautiful, and good-looking because that’s not who I am. My mother told me that I should be focused on looking for someone who shares the same interests and passions as me because no one ever really knows what the individual wants. Well, she wasn’t wrong, sometimes you get an idea who’s the individual you want and then you get the opposite. People like Nicole Kidman from ER and Tom Hanks from Good Morning America. These are two actors who have had their share of scandals and their lives ruined by bad behavior. That was the reason I couldn’t go to the movies like Nicole Kidman and Tom Hanks and get a chance to find someone who knew my desires. Instead, I go through hundreds of pages and find articles about finding the perfect match as soon as possible.

My friends are not the kind of people I want in my life. Yes, they are beautiful and interesting people but I don’t know what to expect from them. Their personality is too different from mine. And their beauty, although it is nice, is also superficial. Once a woman discovers a handsome man, all she needs to make herself attracted to him is a touch, kiss, or a simple glance, and when she realizes that what she needs are love and affection, she immediately falls in love with them. Why? When I meet someone I love, I want to be confident and loveable. However, once you fall in love with someone, your mind starts searching for someone who will be everything to you. Then the search starts all over and you end up liking everybody who comes in your path when you're trying to decide if it's your boy or girlfriend. Everything and nobody is exactly what you desire. 

That is why your mind is preoccupied with the idea of finding someone who doesn't know you and then finding someone who does and then falling madly in love with them. You start seeing yourself in every single thing they wear or they seem attractive and loving at their company, thinking about what it must be like to be with them. It's hard to concentrate on anything but the idea of yourself. Some guys get so obsessed with how handsome they are that they just don’t care how much they look or act and that was not part of mine until a certain day when I met someone. I found somebody who didn’t care about that sort of stuff. He liked to talk to me about himself and how he loves and respects me and how he wants to take me home and watch cartoons while watching a movie. Once he sees me, he begins asking so many questions about himself. Things have changed and now I don’t see the difference in any way and it seems like everyone is talking about me! Maybe he’s still young and has his childhood memories coming back into play and it looks very innocent! Maybe he’s still too young to remember what it feels like to be alone and is full of pure innocence! I don’t know, we were very close friends and everything was great as long as we kept talking and laughing. A few nights later we spent most of our free time together and talked until our hearts sank and our minds fell and we couldn't figure out who had fallen madly in love with whom.

We finally decided that it was only one person and that's why we decided to spend all our time together and now we can finally see who we are as people. I’ll never forget the moment I was holding his hand and he said, “Sending so much love to you has given me a sense of clarity I didn’t know was missing from my life.” I started crying and we hugged each other tightly but we could only remember one face. I had forgotten all about his other face. I can still imagine him with his blue eyes that seem to light up and see so much of those who I admire. Being so beautiful and knowing how much love means to him. When I heard his voice and felt his loving love for me, my head exploded with happiness. This is the best and strongest love that I’ve received in my entire life. I just wish I had more time to look at him and have the same feelings that I got when he said I’ve seen the light and then find the true someone that I desire every day.

I can’t forget all the days of wondering how is he so lucky and handsome and so much more confident than I am. At the same time, I wondered how could I be so jealous of him. After all the years together, why didn’t he get married or even go to college? And all the years of looking at every girl in the class, looking at everything they seem to like, then realizing that it must be a lie because I've only ever known about him being handsome and funny. After all, one day we were almost married. I had thought about marriage as well and how it wouldn’t be the same.

Especially after spending all those years wanting and fantasizing about him. One day he kissed me on the lips, I never expected it to happen and then he kissed me on the forehead to calm me down. I kissed you until my mouth was dry. Then you kissed me again. Then you kissed me again until my cheeks were wet. Then I hugged you again and cried and we made promises to keep making each other’s dreams come true. Now it’s you who’s asking me if I want to marry you. Do I say yes? Is it necessary.

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